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What do women really want?

I am utterly disappointed. I have spent years studying biology on the assumption that to be alluring to women, one needs to know all about organisms. My impressionable young mind was co-erced (by CLEO, Cosmo, TV week, etc.) into thinking that all the Modern Woman was interested in was organisms. Multiple organisms, simultaneous organisms, *faking* organisms (what is that? Some kind of artificial life form?).

I now go to bars and try to pick up with a witty comment about DNA transcription, or maybe a little small talk about aemoeba, perhaps even a charming protozoan anecdote. It all leads nowhere. So many times I have watched the target of my desires cavort off into the night with some studly type who wouldn't even know his sigmiod colon from his humero-radial joint.

So my question is: should I now change tactics? I hear that sensitive, mature women are looking for companion-ships. Is this some sort of Merchant Navy term? Will I need to learn to swear? Please help. Bewildered Biologist

ANYA: I can't for the life of me work out your problem - I thought all the women in your Department would be just begging for your organisms. Although I know those kind of relationships always end in tears (yours) as soon as the pregnancy test comes back positive. Women can be so callous when their biological clock detonates. If they're really lucky, it could be twins - I think that's a multiple organism.... Or perhaps I need to read more Cosmo. Huh, what was the question again?

DISCO: A cuddle! derr.. oh and brushing your teeth helps too.

FRANCOISE: Well, I like mystery, intellegence and good conversation... I find it much more stimulating to have my mind fucked before my body. Wanna date?

UBERMALE: I am only going to answer the first part of your question as the rest is pure flummery and I've got better things to do with my time than play silly scientists with you.

"What do women really want". At first glance, this would seem like a complex question requiring a multi-faceted and in-depth response summarising eons (does anyone still use the word "millennium"?) of man's struggle to know his own essence and his place in the Universal (TM) scheme of things. But, no. I'll tell you what they want (what they really really want). They want to be an internationally-recognised singing superstar with clear skin, an extensive wardrobe, a large bath (with chocolates handy) and terrific hair.

I'll get me coat.


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