ANYA: I think it's downright inconsiderate to have loud sex when people can hear you, especially if your neighbours/flatmates aren't gettin' any themselves. Of course you've got to look at both sides of the situation - you can't have hushed sex forever, would get a bit dull, I think. It's a bit of a dilemma, and a damned good reason for couples to live alone (or randy singles such as myself). To make the best of a share situation, either soundproofing the bedrooms or playing loud music during sex may be possibilities. I know that loud music in the middle of the night can be pretty annoying too, but it's got to be preferable to listening to other people's moans!

BRONTE: Try applause after the appropiate moments, along with cheering, barracking for your favourite team/person/position, giving a running commentary on the action with comments such as "ride him cowgirl", "who's your daddy, bitch" tossed in to spice things up, thank them for aiding you in your masturbatory fantasies, yell out "is that all?" when they've finished, chair an in-depth discussion over breakfast about how/where they can improve their technique (other flatmates involved, of course). If these tips don't work, accept that you're living with exhibitionists, broker a deal with them to film their activities and make megabucks on the porn market.

DISCO: I'd have to go with presenting them the gift of loud backing music to their vocals. Really loud! Really, really loud!! .. and at the climax. Try, "Oh! Ah! Just a Little Bit" or the Bloodhound Gang's, "The Bad Touch". They'll love you forever.

FRANCOISE: Being the annoying 'flatmate' a few times myself who sang out like a cat in heat, I only have one word for you. Sorry?

kat@retrokat.com